Things are looking up

The show is over. The best thing that I got out of it was meeting some people that could become friends. Some were in the show with me, some were not. I feel like I am getting back to my roots in a way. I grew up on stage and with theater people. While it is true that I dropped my theater major because I didn't like the actors, they were interested in more of a Hollywood main stream audience. Don't get me wrong, if someone said that they wanted me to be the next 90210 star, I would be all over it. However, that is not why I like theater. I like being on stage with everyone clapping for me, I like the goofiness that playing a character brings out in me, and I like being around people who don't think I am (too) weird for knowing every word to a variety of musicals. I am most comfortable in this setting even though it has been so long. I am glad to be making new friends.

I am out of the race. I think I broke my foot. I went for a run on Monday and pushed myself too hard. On Tuesday, my hip hurt and on Wednesday morning I was good. Then, while walking in the parking lot at work, my foot started to hurt and it has hurt ever since. It got worse over the weekend after strike, and I was miserable all day at work today because of it. I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow but now it is starting to feel better. I am not going to call off the appointment yet, we'll see how the morning goes tomorrow. I didn't think I was going to be able to run the whole thing, but I am disappointed that I am not even going to try.

In other news...I get a haircut this week, I have a vacation coming up, Alex's play was very funny, Hillary got a job, T&K have a little A (congrats), work is getting better, I want to read more, I am going to Chautauqua this weekend, and I am very sleepy. Good night!

WORK
The job is getting better. My boss was off this week and I was able to do my work without him interfering. I earned a lot of points with some of the people that work for me by buying them donuts and washing cars. The 2 people that have made my transition most difficult have put in their 2 weeks notice. I have hired some really great new people and am almost happy there now.

HALF MARATHON
I am still training for this race. It takes place in Boston on October 12th. I am supposed to be running 2 short runs (4 miles) per week and 1 long run (6 miles) per week. I have been busy with work and the play which has made it difficult to get out more than 2x/week. Also I have been getting blisters which make the decision to go out and run difficult. Just this morning I read about some prevention tips, but I don't know if it is ok to run on the blisters that I have.

While training the other day, I was nearing a very busy intersection when I heard a *boom* and looked up to see a guy getting out of his almost still moving car, a woman screaming in the middle of the road, and a guy on the ground next to her. My theory is that the driver tried to beat the oncoming traffic and made his left-hand turn as soon as the light turned green. He hit the guy in the crosswalk who had a "walk" sign. I kept on running because there was nothing I could do. Many people were reporting the accident, there was already a crowd around the guy in the road, and I only think I know what happened. Anyway, when I came back to that spot later everyone had gone. What did I learn? Look both ways before you cross the street.

THE PLAY
I am stage managing a show. While it was disappointing to not be in the cast, I am getting involved again. I have never really stage managed before. It is less fun than being in the cast because you have to manage people (which, you may remember, is what I do for a living and hate) but I am meeting new people who may allow me to be on stage again someday.

They hate me! Moving on....

I am very lonely at the new job. I don't really have a lot of help from anyone, and the employees don't like me. I have received nasty (boarder-line threatening) messages that have hurt my feelings a lot more than they should. My boss says, "It happens". I am very sad at work lately.

In other news, I am thinking of running the half-marathon in Boston in October. I started the training yesterday and it went well. We'll see if I can keep it up.

I am also hoping to get involved in the theater community once again. It has been many years since I was last a part of a show and while I will not immediately be returning to the stage, I am going to try and get my foot in the door. To those of you who didn't know me in my younger years, I grew up on stage from the age of 5 and have missed it since I stopped in 1999.

I am back to eating healthy and I feel good about it. I went to the Taste of Buffalo this weekend, enjoyed lots of food (none of which was "healthy option") and still lost 2 pounds. I hope to soon be able to fit back into my clothes. Also, I haven't been smoking.

While it is true that I am not yet enjoying the new job, it has given me more time to myself which has made me a happier person outside of work (as long as I am not thinking about it).

This is where I work

My new gig

The new job has its good and bad points. I'll start with the bad so that I can end this on a positive note.

Bad:
-I don't have a purpose. I don't do anything but try to look busy. There is no reason for this position to exist.
-My boss is a pussy. I don't really have much respect for people who won't stand up for themselves.
-The building that I work in is falling apart and has rats all over.
-I feel guilty leaving when the night manager comes in because he never gets to leave on time.
-The sexual harassment sucks.

Good:
-I spend so much time looking busy that people don't want to interrupt me which means I have to deal with many fewer problems.
-My boss is a pussy. I will be pushing him around in no time.
-Since the city has given us 90 days to figure out what we are going to do with the building, things in that area will be turning around soon.
-Although I feel guilty leaving the night manager, I have made it clear to everyone that I will not be staying longer than absolutely necessary. I get little to no argument here since they believe that I took a pay cut.
-I did not take a pay cut.
-While the sexual harassment was shocking and unsettling, it has given some of my former co-workers a good laugh. Also, it has made me appreciate the professional experience that I have and allowed me to find a starting point for when I begin to turn this place around.
-I have been getting home on average 2 hours earlier than I was at my last job. That 2 hours has made all of the difference in the world. One day I got home from work, watched tv, attended a festival where I ate dinner, and went to a friends house when I glanced at a clock and saw that I would have just been getting out of work had I still been at the last job. Joy!

All in all, I am satisfied with the move. There are many things that I have to adjust to and many people that I will have to fire before I will be completely happy, but I am confident that I will get there. If not, nobody should notice if I just leave for a few hours at a time to come home and nap.

A break!

Ah! How nice this week has been! I have enjoyed a week of me time. No work and no real responsibility. I have been running, doing pilates, catching up with friends, cleaning, and relaxing. No need to worry about me any longer, friends. I have a new job.

I don't really know what I will be doing. All I know is that I will be working with customers much less. That is really the only thing I care about. The last day on my old job, I got into a fight with an 85 year old man about $20. I should not be allowed to work with the public.

I will be closer to home, I will be wearing a uniform so I don't have to pick out clothes to wear every awful morning, and I think I will be working less hours but there may be some nights and weekends in there as well. Blegh. I believe that I will be doing much more employee development and management type work rather than direct customer service. Yea!

All of this time to myself has given me time to visit my friends with babies and shop for the shower gifts for my friends who are getting married. Spending so much time doing this stuff inevitably led to thinking. This is why I shouldn't have time to think. I am a planner. I gave up my "life plan" a few years ago. That was the one where I was going to be married by 23 and have kids at 26, 28, and 30 while working my ass off putting myself in a position to retire by the age of 45 so that I can enjoy my retirement without kids and with plenty of money. It didn't work out. I don't want to put myself back on a time line (although the babies and wedding gifts made this all but impossible). I have found that when I do that, I spend too much time planning and not enough time enjoying my time now.

While I am stressing out a bit (not wanting to go back to work, and trying to manage finances) I want to make an effort to try relaxing and enjoying life as it comes a bit more. I will try to enjoy the rest of my vacation without worrying about Monday morning. I don't see this working out well for me, but it is worth an effort. I'll let you know how it goes.

So angry!

Upon taking a quick glance over the beginnings of my blog, I have noticed that I post something that I am really feeling or thinking about, then I post something lighter so as not to bring the whole thing down. Heres the thing, I want to be much lighter and happier than I am, but I won't let myself. I am so hung up on how much I hate my job, I cannot allow myself to be happy. I let it dominate my life. I don't really like the person that I am now. I am feeling angry all of the time and I am acting much meaner than I really am.

I actually got mad at a co-worker today for getting flustered for having to stop at 2 red lights in a row. Why would that anger me? Why would I allow something like that, at 7:20 a.m. ruin the first few hours of my day? When I think about it now, it was kind of funny. He was just too uncomfortable to be in the car with me for much longer so he felt the need to say something and it was "AH! Gaw....damn....wha the.....gaw...." It made me mad because I was annoyed that I was going to have to be around him all day.

Another customer got my personal cell phone number last weekend and I yelled at her. She was broken down in Florida and I told her not to call me back on that number. (I later felt compelled to call and apologize to her which also made me mad). I got into a tiff with a customer in front of my boss. One of my employees was very rude to a customer and came in to tell me what she had done and all I could do was smile, laugh, and tell her that I wanted to hug her for it.

The customer service I do is more difficult than waiting tables. People have blamed me for ruining their vacations, their finances, their relationships, their jobs, and their day/week/life. I have let people be so mean to me and I have smiled and apologized for so long that I have stopped caring. Please, someone find me a job.

Showers

I have a love/hate relationship with showering. I love to stand in the shower. I don't like to do anything but stand there under the warm water. Once in a while I will turn to ensure that I do not catch a chill on one side of my body. That is all that I like about it.

I hate that I am always under some sort of time crunch. Either the water will turn cold or I have to get somewhere. Usually the latter as I try to shower before work whenever I am able to drag my miserable ass out of bed on time. The worst thing about the shower is that it ends and I have to get ready. As much as I would like to say "I don't care how I look", I do. I like looking good but not "high maintenance" and that probably takes more time than it would if I were able to just cake the makeup on my face. I hate drying my hair because I know how bad it is for it but how much worse it will look and feel if I don't dry it right away. I hate picking out something to wear. I hate getting dressed. I hate leaving the sauna that my bathroom becomes by the time I am done in the shower. These issues are not listed in any particular order.

I enjoy bathing. I like to lay in the tub and read a good book. I would like to get a bathtub that is a little smaller than the standard size. In the movies, women are always able to lay in the bathtub with bent knees and lounge comfortably. I am too short for this. I get into the bathtub and lock my knees with my toes bracing me against the other side so that I can keep my head up high enough to read a book. I can stand this position for about 5 minutes before I have to put the book down and sink into the water to give my legs a break. I think the appropriate solution to this problem is a hot tub because I think they have seats. Will anybody buy me a hot tub?

So, what have I been up to lately? Trying to resolve the discontent in my life (mainly, my job). I have been looking into different possibilities. The most immediate solution is a job within my company that will pay me as much as I was making before my "promotion". Other perks of this position include a company car which I do not have to pay for, about 10 hours a week less than I currently work, and (perhaps most importantly) LITTLE TO NO CUSTOMER INTERACTION. I am actually disappointed in how much I have come to hate the general public. I used to be excited to meet new and interesting people and now I hold all strangers in contempt until they can prove to me that they are worth my respect. While I assume this damage is permanent, it would be nice to wake up in the morning and be optimistic that I may not have to interact with any customers.

Solution number two is law school. This is something that I have wanted to do since I was in high school. After going to college and majoring in political science, I learned that my passion is for constitutional law. I love to argue the constitutionality of laws because, more often than not, both sides have valid points. I grew up in a family that loves to argue facts. We would routinely reach for the encyclopedias and various other reference books to back up our points at family gatherings. Winning an argument like this really gets down to who has done their research and who can be more persuasive. You argue for the pure satisfaction of winning. It is a competition and I am a competitive person. The problem here is that there is not a whole lot of opportunity in this field and it is not as lucrative as other areas of law. I would probably end up doing something like tax law that would bore me to death.

My third solution involves teaching. I was told at 12 years old that I was not allowed to help my sister with her homework anymore because my frustration with her made her cry. I feel that I have grown a lot since this time. My favorite part of my current job is training and developing my employees and they all still like me. I just don't know what subject to teach. I liked pretty much everything in school. I don't want to be an English teacher, there are too many of them in my circle so I assume there is enough of them in the area. I was good at all types of math in school and enjoyed it very much. I don't think I should be a math teacher because my math brain does not work the same as most people and I get frustrated. Social studies would be easiest for me to get into. As a poli-sci major I have all of the prerequisites for the subject and only need to be certified. However, I love science and understand it. I loved all of my science teachers in school and always had fun in class. Also, I think there is less competition here because it requires more specific education.

The key here is that I enjoy being the center of attention. I really believe that it comes down to either arguing a case or teaching. Both will require about the same amount of additional schooling. I am leaning toward the teacher thing right now. If I have learned anything from my current job, it is the importance of keeping a work-life balance. I currently have none. I think it is important to keep work at work and to be able to relax at home and forget about the pressures of the office. While my personality doesn't lend itself to this behavior, I think it will be easier if my cell phone isn't ringing at 10 p.m. because a customer cannot figure out how to unlock the steering wheel of a car. I am leaning toward the teaching. Less money but lots of time for being home with myself, husband, pets, kids, etc.

Guess what? I'm happy!

Don't worry. I won't get all touchy feely on you here. I am just in a really good mood. I had a great time at Founding Fathers last night because I didn't have to work today. I don't have to work today, AND I don't have to work for the next two days! Yea no work! Yea parade! Yea sleeping in! Yea St. Patrick!

I realize that I only recently became a regular at Founding Fathers, but this is easily my favorite bar in Buffalo. I have known that for a while, but for some reason I didn't go very often. I always have a great time there. It is easy to have fun whether I go with one or many other people. Most bars now have music playing that is way to loud to have a proper conversation, or they are sports bars where everyone is glued to the television. Here, both audio and visual stimulation are available, yet not forced on the patrons. I can sit, I can read a book, or I can play the dictionary game. The friends that I have made there are oodles of fun (yes, oodles-I said I am in a good mood so I assume it is the appropriate time to use a word like this if there is one). When I call Dave miserable at 10 am on Monday mornings needing a reason to continue, he reminds me that Friday night we can go to the pub.

I plan on having a fun weekend full of food and drink. I will be silly, giggly, and loud. I will have a great time. I had a great breakfast this morning. I think I'll do it again tomorrow. Maybe Monday as well. Tim Horton's breakfast sandwiches are da bomb!

The last two days....

Two things.....I am a workaholic and I hate my job. I am underpaid for the 50 hours I am supposed to work every week and severely underpaid for the 60+ hours that I actually work per week. I hate being at work but I can't enjoy my time at home unless I have everything done. If I don't leave work content that the next day will be as unshitty as possible, I will toss and turn at night and torture myself about being too lazy to stay and finish what I should have.

I torture myself for being lazy and irresponsible but it is not humanly possible for all of the work that we need to do to be completed in one day. So I stay late so I can sleep at night. How do they reward me? A PROMOTION!!!! But they pay me less. Their excuse? "But you have the potential to make so much more". After months of clean up at this hole, I ask "I have done what you have requested. We have greater profits, happier customers and employees, and our business is growing. Why is it that I am still making less money"? Their answer "The economy".

So what have I been doing for the last 34 hours? I spent 23 hours working (including shoveling our parking lot because the plow didn't come), 5 hours sleeping, and 6 hours not having fun because I had to work again. Oh, by the way, I am still on call and may be until 11:00 this evening. I decided to leave work and have the folks that might need me (a big account) my personal cell phone number just in case. They would have preferred that I stay there but I decided to treat myself to the time and I am at a friends house not drinking with the rest of them just in case. What do you think those ungrateful bastards did after I went home to watch other people have fun? THEY GAVE OUT MY FUCKING CELL PHONE NUMBER TO RANDOM FUCKING CUSTOMERS! (When I called them and asked them not do do this they asked what they were supposed to do when people called them with questions. The same goddamn thing you would have told them 4 hours ago before you had my number jackass!)

So here I am. Not enjoying a nice relaxing beer because I am waiting for an airplane with no customers to arrive at an airport that the plane will probably not fly into anyway because of the gigantic storm we are having now. Yet still that guilt remains. I should be there. It is my job. I am a bad employee.

Popcorn-the most delicious healthy food ever!

So...why Popcorn? Because it is simply the best food ever! It can be a desert or a mid-day snack. Sweet caramel coated goodness or a buttery salty mess (my personal favorite). You can cheese it up or use hot sauce if you choose. If you like chocolate, it is the perfect coating. It goes well with almost any toping. And it can always be "healthy".

I primarily use popcorn as a means for getting salt and butter into my body while still using the excuse that popcorn is fat-free and full of fiber. It's actually good for you! I cook it in oil on the stove top. I put 2 or 3 kernels in the oil while it is heating (on high) so that when they pop and spatter all over the floor I know it is ready to cook. I pour just enough kernels into the pot to cover the bottom of the pan and put the top on. Then the really annoying part comes. I shake the pan over high heat until the popcorn has popped its last. Metal on metal-few sounds are worse. When the last kernel has popped, I dump it into a bowl and toss a half of a stick of melted butter and salt over the top. Pour, salt, toss....pour, salt toss....pour, salt, toss. Get a glass of your favorite soft drink and nothing is better!

I have been a fan of popcorn since the "find your own dinner" nights that my Mom let us have in middle and high school. Those were the best five best nights of the week! Now, I think I can blame my mother for the terrible eating habits that I have now (along with a little help from my grandma). I would get home from school and Mimi would let me have a bag (yes, an entire bag to myself) of microwave popcorn. My friend Melissa and I would then take the empty bag of popcorn, rip it in two, and each get a half of the bag to lick the butter right off of. After the bag of popcorn would be the dual pack of swiss cake rolls (or hohos if you prefer) to "tide us over" until my mom picked us up after work.

Mom was too tired when she got home from work to cook what most people would call a "healthy" dinner. At the time, I loved it. During a few fat years in college I blamed her a bit for my unhealthy eating habits, but after working 12 hour days around a bunch of assholes, I understand completely. I don't like to cook after a long day either.

I am doing the Weight Watchers thing now and I only realized recently that I may be cheating the system a bit. I will wake up, go to work, drink a gallon of coffee (black because adding cream and sugar would dock my points for the day). When I become famished I will eat some green grapes. Lunch is usually some microwaved veggies and some almonds, and I snack on another fruit. This leaves me with enough points by the time I get home from work to enjoy whatever shit food I want. Mainly, fish sticks, chocolate, and popcorn.

Whatever-I am losing weight. All this time, I have been blaming my mother for my weight gain when the eating habits that I gained during my childhood are the core of my current weight loss program. I am sorry Mom! Oh, the ill I have spoken of you! Cursing you for not forcing me to eat my daily allowance of vegetables as a child. Thank you for allowing me to express myself through my own (healthy) culinary choices.

Fuck it-people suck!

So, I have had this blog ready to go for a week or so and have been trying to come up with the perfect topic. What should I discuss on my first blog ever? What sort of social commentary can I make? What should I write that I will feel comfortable leaving as my first impression in the blog world? What can I type that I will be proud of in a year? What won't embarrass me? What can I leave here that will make people want to come back again and again? What will be my hook?

Fuck it. I have got nothing. You will probably think that this is a dismal failure the first time you read it and it will take me a year to figure it out. I will assume that I am just writing for myself and any of you who share my frustration with the general public may feel free to read this to see that your job isn't so bad after all.

One of my biggest faults is my pride and I work in customer service. Do you know what that means? I think I am better than my customers but they keep me in a job so I have to kiss their ass all day long. I say "Thank you for your patience, I am so sorry that I thought that you had to abide by the same rules that everyone else has to. I didn't realize that you had some special exemption for the iron clad policies that keep my company from discriminating against people based on credit. I realize that since you threatened to call my boss, if I try to hold you to these policies, my efforts will be exhausting and fruitless. He, who is a much greater person than I and has nothing to lose by allowing you to sneak past this credit check, will allow you to have your way because that is the easy thing for him to do. You are right, I was being unreasonable when I asked you to show me proof of address. I wouldn't want to invade your privacy in this way. If you steal the car that I rent you, it is my fault. I should have found another phone number to reach you on other than the 3 disconnected numbers you gave me. Please, accept my apology and allow me to offer you a free day on your next rental, to ensure that you come back. Can I make that reservation for you now? I do hope you were completely satisfied with your customer service!"

Don't these people realize that everyone hates them? I went to college with one of these people. She is the one who flies past you in the left-hand lane as you are patiently waiting to exit the highway then cuts off the car 10 spots ahead of you so that she can get home first.

It doesn't bother me that these people exist. It bothers me that these people insult and degrade me because they know that if they act like it is my fault that they can't get what they want, someone might believe them.