posting from pearl street

I apologize for the brevity of this post. I haven't been home since 630 this morning but I couldn't accept the failure of posting all but the final day of the BufBloPoFo. I am at a bar and my kind friend Marie has allowed me to use her blackberry to post. I am sure she is missing it already. Thank you Marie and everyone else who made this possible. I will never forget.

Until next year fans....(or until I feel like it).

Peace.

Now THAT is one stagnant year

Last year I wrote this. I was having a good day in the middle of a bunch of a few really angry posts. The gist of last year is this-I hated my job, I wanted to lose weight, I was thinking about going back to school to become either a lawyer or a teacher, and I enjoyed my time away from work. This year, it appears everything is the same. Let's work on some goals for next year.

1) Like what you do whether it be your current job, a new job, or school.

2) Get your credit cards paid off.

3) Weigh less than 140 pounds.

4) Be engaged or married without being pregnant.

5) Have at least one decent show under your belt this year.

I will revisit this in a year and see how things are going. Hey, Me-Good luck!

How to be a parent By: a non parent

Ultimately, parents have only so much control over what decisions their children will grow to make. I, as previously stated, think my mother did an excellent job raising me. I have friends who were brought up with parents that allowed them to do things as children that my mom still wouldn't let me do. But most of us have grown up to be functional adults regardless of our upbringing.

I think that the key is to instill the values in your children that you want them to have. For example, the only real rule for me was no lying. Guess what? I don't lie and if I do it is usually by accident and I feel the need to go back to the person that I "lied" to and correct myself, apologize, or fess up. Also, I hate liars and cheaters. To me, the most disrespectful thing a person can do is look me in the eye and tell me something that isn't true. How do you think I am going to raise my kids? No lying.

I think it is important to remember that children are their own people with their own personalities. They will screw up, they will question what you teach them, and they will make decisions that you don't agree with. Chances are, they'll be alright. Don't judge them and don't say "I told you so". Just be there for them. When they realize that they screwed up and you were right, they will either come to you for comfort or they will not feel comfortable talking to you about it. It's your choice.

Me, now

Well, here I am, blogging. I am currently multi-tasking. I just finished half watching the presidential address and now I am watching a re-run of House. I just ate left over Pizzeria Uno. I intend to eat a peanut butter brownie sundae soon. I will watch the mentalist then go to bed. I am doing all of this while laying on the matress on the floor of the livingroom.

Who inspires me?

I'm going to be a bit cliche here......it's my mom.

The woman is amazing. She brought up two smart, polite, fun, sensible, strong girls in a less than ideal situation. She learned from her mistakes and was relatively successful in getting me to learn from them, too. She taught me to be independent, to be able to support myself, and to stand up for myself. She gave up a lot for us and I can't tell her how much I appreciate everything that she did. She had little for herself but was able to send me to music school, get me voice lessons at Eastman, and send my sister to Germany.

I can only hope that I am as good of a mother to my kids as my mom was to me. She was great at having fun with us but we knew when we messed up. That look. Ohhhhh, that look. Never lie was the only rule and I couldn't follow it. Seriously. "Amanda, did you eat your sister's birthday cake"? "no". Or, "Amanda, what happened at school today"? "nothing". or "Amanda, did you do this"? "what? Oh....no". Every time, I got caught....and she didn't kill me. I just got grounded. Time and time again I would lie and she never screamed "you stupid idiot just tell the truth and you won't get in trouble you moron"! She just grounded me. Oh! The patience that that woman has.

I know for a fact that I don't have her patience right now. I assume it comes with motherhood. I assume you become more patient as your kid cries for hours on end, plays peek-a-boo a million times but doesn't get tired, and has tempertantrums and "no" is the only word they know. I guess a stupid teenager who can't learn that one rule not to lie isn't a total loss if they get good grades, stay away from drugs, and have well rounded interests. She has reason to be proud of my sister and I, we are pretty good kids. I am amazed that she didn't loose her mind in the process of making us who we are today. She did a great job and I hope I do as well when I have my chance.

Dinner Party

The question posed to me was, "If you were hosting a dinner party and could invite 5 celebrities or people of note, who would you invite, and what would be on the menu? And what do you think the conversation would go like?"

I would like to get a chance to pick the brain of many notable people. Mozart, Einstein, and Newton for example, are people that I would love to learn from. Aristotle, Descartes, and Jesus Christ I would love to listen to, but I think I might go crazy if I were encouraged to think more than I do. Led Zeppelin-I would have loved to be a part of their music, so much talent!

I think I would like to hear more about our forefathers views on the changing interpretations of the constitution and the roll of government. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, and FDR would be my guests. I had a really hard time cutting Teddy Roosevelt....you know what, he can have my seat, I'll just stand by the wall and watch.

So here's the setting. We are in an old colonial building traditionally decorated and with a portrait of each of them on the wall (so that they all understand that they are each a big deal). There is beer and brandy for drinks and Paula Dean is our cook but she remains hidden and silent. We begin with a reading of the most recent State of the Union address (even if we didn't call it a State of the Union address). And the show begins.....

I wouldn't know what to expect exactly, but I am sure that there's plenty of shouting and some pushing and shoving, but nobody leaves. These men were all so passionate about their country and what they did for it, I would like nothing more than to hear their views on the way we have reshaped and reinterpreted their words. I want to know what they would say to the presidents who were forced to make difficult decisions in difficult times. Would they understand how we got here, or would they think that these great men made the wrong choices? They certainly expected that things would change, but would they disapprove of where we have taken the country?

I wouldn't need to participate in the conversation. I just want to listen and enjoy some of Paula Dean's delicious looking food.

For the birds

KT,

I have met you on a few occasions, but I just read your blog and realized that we have a lot in common.

1) Your post on who would play with you in a movie-Lauren Graham. The "monkey monkey underpants" clip is uncannily similar to my stream of consciousness existence. Also, I love the Gilmore Girls.

2) You can be a science teacher now and I want to someday.

3) We both love food and talk about it too much.

4) I think I grew up next door to the "burnin up" kid.

5) I didn't think Mandy Patinkin was loved by others my age.

My question to you...

Who is your best friend and what is the best memory that you have with them?

bloggity blog blog

Do you ever get a word stuck in your head? I never did until a girl I went to high school with told me that she gets the word "parenthetical" in her head. Now, I get the word parenthetical in my head.

My first place

I lived away from home in college. Freshman year I had a girl living with me 1st semester and we were best friends, but she moved out. I got a new roommate 2nd semester but she was in a car accident so the only part of the room that she occupied was a small portion of the closet. (She was out for the semester healing and I only wore her clothes on a rare occasion). Sophomore year, a friend and I decided to live together but the fine folks at UB told us that the only room available for us to share was a quad so we lived with 2 other girls. One was pledging a sorority and she took it very seriously that she couldn't talk to us, even in the room alone. One listened to that Uncle Cracker song over and over and over. I fought with the girl I was friends with halfway through the year so we stopped talking. Junior and senior year I lived in on campus appartments with my own room and some roommates I liked and some I didn't.

The first place I had that I could call home after moving out of my Mom's house was a small one bedroom apartment on Richmond ave in Buffalo. I didn't like the teeny tiny kitchen, but aside from that it was good. Sure, there were centipedes EVERYWHERE and my upstairs neighbor threatened to call the cops anytime I had someone over. The steam heat whistled all night long in the winter and the door to the building wouldn't close in the summer. The fridge made all of my food taste and smell like freon and my bedroom ceiling collapsed on my bed (the only new piece of furnature I bought when I moved in), but the place was great.

I was in walking distance of any place I needed to go. Sunday mornings I would walk to the Lexington co-op (the real one, the one that was on Lexington) and buy a newspaper and milk in a glass bottle that I would return the next week. In the spring I would go for jogs all around the neighborhood to get in shape and look at the houses. In summer I would have given up on the running, but I would still go for walks and look at houses. I had no control of the heat, so in order to warm up in the winter I would plug in the iron and put on my bathrobe and iron myself. It sounds painful or weird but it feels great! I had a lot of depressing birthdays at that place, but the thing I remember most about them is friends coming over to be with me on porch that was no bigger than my bathroom is now.

The last fall that I lived there was the fall of the October surprise storm. I got home from work and fell asleep reading by candlelight. Dave came home with Burger King and we ate before huddling for warmth in bed. I got up the next morning to go to work and put on sweatpants under my work pants, a sweatshirt under my button down shirt, and walked out to get in my car and go to work. After I woke up Dave to get the tree off of my car and he made the *smart* decision that I should not be driving the saturn anywhere that day, we had breakfast on the coffee table. We had a can of sterno that we toasted marshmellows on and tried to boil water on to keep us warm. We then took his truck all around the neighborhood to see all of the fallen trees.

The place itself wasn't big or nice in any way, but I loved it because of the things I remember doing when I lived there. I wouldn't want it back, but I do miss it.

Who would play me in a movie?

Me, of course.

I have been told over the years that I look like a number of celebrities. Fortunately, none of them were Rosanne Barr. The most flattering: Christie Brinkley (I was 10), Elizabeth Shue (I was 16), and Tea Leoni (I was 23). I haven't been compared to any celebrities in a long time. I would like to say that I was able to look in the mirror and see exactly what these complimentary people saw, but I never did. True, I am blond and blue eyed, but I think it stops there.

Something to brag about

Meh....I am not feeling very braggy right now. Too much bad shit is going on around me for me to feel very awesome. A guy I work with just died, a girl I work with was just cheated on, another girl I work with just lost a parent, another is dealing with her sister who just had a stroke, and my boss was just demoted to my job. I tried thinking of things to boost my spirits. This post could have been a great opportunity for me to turn that frown upside down, but instead I keep thinking about things that I am good at that aren't necessarily good things.

For example, I am really good at pretending that I like my job. I don't like it at all. I am really good at making my employees think that I care about my job. I don't. I have a great defense mechinism that consists of being cold and harsh. I pretend that I am some tough cookie, but I am not. People think that I am really good at customer service which is great because it is my job, but I hate pretty much every customer that I come in contact with.

Actually, something good did come out of this. I just reinforced that my job is what is keeping me from being happy and being myself. Okay, lets try this again.

Something to brag about. What was I good at before my life was consumed by work? I am great at public speaking, acting, memorizing things, teaching, thinking, loving, laughing, empathizing, being objective, eating popcorn and singing. I should listen to myself more often.

What I am good at

I had a hard time coming up with something for this topic. I am pretty good at a lot of things, but nothing remarkable that would make for an interesting blog. I realized though that there is something that I do better than most. I forget a LOT of things.

I forget movies right after I see them, I forget where I put things, and if you ask me to remember something for you, there is a pretty good chance I won't. The key to being able to forget anything is to always be in a thought process of your own. For example, if we are getting ready to go somewhere and I see an empty box of vegetables on the counter, I will consider whether I have eaten enough vegetables and dairy that day which will lead me to wonder if ice cream counts as a dairy serving when it is so sweet but it might count because cats would eat it and I like cats although I will not likely own one because I like dogs better even though they bark like the ones that live next door but that may all be in how you raise them just like children are a product of their environment and will I be a good mom? This is only an abridged example of a possible thought process but you can see how if you ask me to get some toilet paper at the store while this is going on in my head, I might forget.

I do this pretty much all day every day, especially when I am tired, hungry, or full. The moral of the story is, be sure that I am paying attention if you ask me for something.

best re-meal ever

I enjoy food so much that I don't have a best ever meal. I, unlike others I know, do not associate food with good memories. The reason that I like food so much is not because it reminds me of great things, it is because it tastes good. I don't have a "one occasion" that I would redo to make great.

Instead, I will discuss the best foods ever. I thought that Kraft macaroni and cheese was one of the best foods until I ate it last night and it was so heavy I wanted to barf at 430 in the morning today. I like brownies but they give me heartburn. Nestle's chocolate chip cookie recipie really can't be beat. I like my mom's meatloaf but Dave doesn't like ground beaf so I don't get to enjoy it much. I also love popcorn in case I haven't discussed this yet.

It has taken me far too long do type this because I am drunk. I will retire and try harder tomorrow. Sorry fans, Amanda

Three biggest things

I am going to give this BufBloPoFo thing a shot this year. I didn't participate last year, but it did get me to begin this blog which I haven't been keeping up with as regularly as I would like. Maybe participating will give me the kick in the pants that I need in order to become a more regular blogger. Anyway, here we go....the three biggest things going on in my life in no particular order:

Getting in shape
Finding a career that I can be happy with
Managing finances

I have decided to get myself together this year. Up until I decided to focus on these things, I was happy with my life. I have a great boyfriend, a great dog, and great friends. I live in a nice apartment, I get along with my family, and I have steady income. I realized though, that by just floating along without any concrete goals, I am not really living for anything.

I have been wanting to get in shape for some time, but I have a better reason for it now. Previously, the reason for getting in shape had been to look and feel better. My reasons have changed. My grandmother passed away earlier this year, and watching the whole thing happen was scary. I remember her diet before the decline started. She ate twinkies, cookies, candy, jelly beans, gum drops, licorice, and anything else that was at least 80% sugar, nothing else. She didn't take care of herself and I believe that that is what caused her to slip in and out of reality so much. The thought of going crazy scares the shit out of me. So does the thought of dying before my kids are grown. I work with a girl who lost her brother at 40 due to a heart attack and her sister just had a stroke. Don't get me wrong, I still want to look good, but I also want to avoid the death and craziness for as long as possible.

If you have ever read my blog before then you know that my job satisfaction is usually non-existant. I have been dealing with it for several years and I could do it forever, I just don't really want to. I like the thought of teaching for a few reasons, it is the only part of my job that I like, I want to work when I have kids but I want to be home with them, and I really like the idea of summers off. I have been putting this off for a while, but I think I am ready to take the next step. I will be looking into what I need to do to become a teacher through UB's program.

Managing finances I still don't have a solution for. I have no money and a lot that I want to do. I want a house, I want to get married, I want a car, I want a kid, I want furniture that doesn't fall apart, and I want my credit cards paid off. All of these things take money that I don't have right now. I am slowly coming to realize that even though I can't do it now, patience will get me there. I will have all of these things someday. My financial management plan is this....wait.

Happy New Year

Last year ended on a strong note. Three Christmas celebrations, two weddings, and one day off. I got to spend time with people that I was missing, people that I didn't know that I was missing, and people that are close to me here. I ate too much good food and drank too many good drinks. Dave passed the BAR exam and I made some goals for the new year.

The old stand by, I am going to get fit. Sure, I want to lose a bunch of weight, wear a size 4 and turn heads, but more than that, I hate the way I feel right now. As I type, I am watching the Food network on which there is a pizza made of crust, hamburger, sausage, pepperoni, ham, bacon, and cheese. Why do you think we have an obesity problem in the United States? I haven't eaten a vegetable today aside from the shredded lettuce that came with my flautas at dinner.

I am in the market for a new hobby. I have nobody to pole dance with anymore because my classmate moved out of Buffalo and it just isn't fun alone since my hands are too sweaty to grip the pole anyway. I am interested in Kickboxing (expensive), running (it is winter in Buffalo and I hate the cold), and/or some kind of classes just to get my mind back into shape. I think that my brain is so used to doing the same thing all of the time that it has gotten as mushy as the rest of me. I am open to suggestions.

Things are looking up

The show is over. The best thing that I got out of it was meeting some people that could become friends. Some were in the show with me, some were not. I feel like I am getting back to my roots in a way. I grew up on stage and with theater people. While it is true that I dropped my theater major because I didn't like the actors, they were interested in more of a Hollywood main stream audience. Don't get me wrong, if someone said that they wanted me to be the next 90210 star, I would be all over it. However, that is not why I like theater. I like being on stage with everyone clapping for me, I like the goofiness that playing a character brings out in me, and I like being around people who don't think I am (too) weird for knowing every word to a variety of musicals. I am most comfortable in this setting even though it has been so long. I am glad to be making new friends.

I am out of the race. I think I broke my foot. I went for a run on Monday and pushed myself too hard. On Tuesday, my hip hurt and on Wednesday morning I was good. Then, while walking in the parking lot at work, my foot started to hurt and it has hurt ever since. It got worse over the weekend after strike, and I was miserable all day at work today because of it. I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow but now it is starting to feel better. I am not going to call off the appointment yet, we'll see how the morning goes tomorrow. I didn't think I was going to be able to run the whole thing, but I am disappointed that I am not even going to try.

In other news...I get a haircut this week, I have a vacation coming up, Alex's play was very funny, Hillary got a job, T&K have a little A (congrats), work is getting better, I want to read more, I am going to Chautauqua this weekend, and I am very sleepy. Good night!

WORK
The job is getting better. My boss was off this week and I was able to do my work without him interfering. I earned a lot of points with some of the people that work for me by buying them donuts and washing cars. The 2 people that have made my transition most difficult have put in their 2 weeks notice. I have hired some really great new people and am almost happy there now.

HALF MARATHON
I am still training for this race. It takes place in Boston on October 12th. I am supposed to be running 2 short runs (4 miles) per week and 1 long run (6 miles) per week. I have been busy with work and the play which has made it difficult to get out more than 2x/week. Also I have been getting blisters which make the decision to go out and run difficult. Just this morning I read about some prevention tips, but I don't know if it is ok to run on the blisters that I have.

While training the other day, I was nearing a very busy intersection when I heard a *boom* and looked up to see a guy getting out of his almost still moving car, a woman screaming in the middle of the road, and a guy on the ground next to her. My theory is that the driver tried to beat the oncoming traffic and made his left-hand turn as soon as the light turned green. He hit the guy in the crosswalk who had a "walk" sign. I kept on running because there was nothing I could do. Many people were reporting the accident, there was already a crowd around the guy in the road, and I only think I know what happened. Anyway, when I came back to that spot later everyone had gone. What did I learn? Look both ways before you cross the street.

THE PLAY
I am stage managing a show. While it was disappointing to not be in the cast, I am getting involved again. I have never really stage managed before. It is less fun than being in the cast because you have to manage people (which, you may remember, is what I do for a living and hate) but I am meeting new people who may allow me to be on stage again someday.

They hate me! Moving on....

I am very lonely at the new job. I don't really have a lot of help from anyone, and the employees don't like me. I have received nasty (boarder-line threatening) messages that have hurt my feelings a lot more than they should. My boss says, "It happens". I am very sad at work lately.

In other news, I am thinking of running the half-marathon in Boston in October. I started the training yesterday and it went well. We'll see if I can keep it up.

I am also hoping to get involved in the theater community once again. It has been many years since I was last a part of a show and while I will not immediately be returning to the stage, I am going to try and get my foot in the door. To those of you who didn't know me in my younger years, I grew up on stage from the age of 5 and have missed it since I stopped in 1999.

I am back to eating healthy and I feel good about it. I went to the Taste of Buffalo this weekend, enjoyed lots of food (none of which was "healthy option") and still lost 2 pounds. I hope to soon be able to fit back into my clothes. Also, I haven't been smoking.

While it is true that I am not yet enjoying the new job, it has given me more time to myself which has made me a happier person outside of work (as long as I am not thinking about it).

This is where I work

My new gig

The new job has its good and bad points. I'll start with the bad so that I can end this on a positive note.

Bad:
-I don't have a purpose. I don't do anything but try to look busy. There is no reason for this position to exist.
-My boss is a pussy. I don't really have much respect for people who won't stand up for themselves.
-The building that I work in is falling apart and has rats all over.
-I feel guilty leaving when the night manager comes in because he never gets to leave on time.
-The sexual harassment sucks.

Good:
-I spend so much time looking busy that people don't want to interrupt me which means I have to deal with many fewer problems.
-My boss is a pussy. I will be pushing him around in no time.
-Since the city has given us 90 days to figure out what we are going to do with the building, things in that area will be turning around soon.
-Although I feel guilty leaving the night manager, I have made it clear to everyone that I will not be staying longer than absolutely necessary. I get little to no argument here since they believe that I took a pay cut.
-I did not take a pay cut.
-While the sexual harassment was shocking and unsettling, it has given some of my former co-workers a good laugh. Also, it has made me appreciate the professional experience that I have and allowed me to find a starting point for when I begin to turn this place around.
-I have been getting home on average 2 hours earlier than I was at my last job. That 2 hours has made all of the difference in the world. One day I got home from work, watched tv, attended a festival where I ate dinner, and went to a friends house when I glanced at a clock and saw that I would have just been getting out of work had I still been at the last job. Joy!

All in all, I am satisfied with the move. There are many things that I have to adjust to and many people that I will have to fire before I will be completely happy, but I am confident that I will get there. If not, nobody should notice if I just leave for a few hours at a time to come home and nap.